Top 5 Guaranteed Ways to Sell Your Book

Writing a book is hard work, and not just by the author. An army of editors, senior editors, and supreme-overlord editors work tirelessly to bring your dream to print. But selling that book can take a veritable miracle. I’ve been talking with my author friends lately and I’ve gathered the five fool-proof book-selling methods that are guaranteed to give you the results you deserve.

Write a book that is certain to please millions

The most basic way to attract an audience is to write the perfect book. There are a lot of great examples out there. Harry Potter and The Hobbit are the first ones that come to mind. If you create a story that has a lovable protagonist that people can relate to and then give that character a story that people will fall in love with, you’re on the right path.

Don’t skimp on the budget

To make money you have to spend money. Buckets of money. A small sum of $50,000 dollars will take you a long way. Talk to your local Barnes and Noble national marketing representative about getting life sized cut outs of your characters in all their stores. Now you’re off to a good start!

Talk about your book on the nationwide syndicated talk show you host

This is probably the least likely one to succeed, but chances are still pretty good, so it makes our top 5. You’ve been hosting that show for a few years now, and weekly viewership is almost up to one million. Have a copy of your book on your desk, and make sure the AV guy throws up a glamor shot of the cover on the big screen. Your book doesn’t have to be great, but gush over it like it was your favorite child. Make sure you mention the book every day for a week to catch your casual viewers too!

Make sure you are going to as many birthdays, bar mitzvahs, baptisms, and weddings as possible. At least two a day. Bring copies of your books and give them away as “gifts.”

Have several thousand close friends

Most of us have at least 100k following us on Facebook, but we certainly know that doesn’t translate to sales. Make sure you are going to as many birthdays, bar mitzvahs, baptisms, and weddings as possible. At least two a day. Bring copies of your books and give them away as “gifts.” Remember to mention how much the damn things cost to get printed, then stare at the person for as long as it takes for them to hand over a crisp $20. This one never fails, and it usually comes with free food!

Already be famous

This one is so simple, it’s a no-brainer. The best way to make sure your next book is a big hit is to already have a name for yourself—a huge name. Stephen King craps out a book a month and he’s worth MILLIONS. Keep in mind, he hasn’t written a great book in years. So make sure your current book is a New York Times best seller. If not, you’re doing it wrong!

I hope this guide has helped my fellow authors out there who are trying to figure out how to make it big in a world inundated with self-published vampire fan-fiction. Just follow these 5 steps and I guarantee you will continue to see the success you already have.

Bonus internet points if you mention my blog on your talk show!

Ben Ireland is the author of the urban fantasy, horror, techno-thriller trilogy, Kingdom City. Resurrection and Revolt are available at and Barnes & Noble. Book 3, Retribution comes out 2017.

1 Comment
  • RB Knight
    August 6, 2016

    Took me a moment to realize this was satire, lol. Now I’m laughrying. X’D

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